say it with pie

Seriously, I thought this place was supposed to be awesome! But ew! Ew ew ew!

Name: Magic Oven
Location: 360 Queen St. East (near Parliament)
Population: 7 including me, Pete, and a toddler.
Ambience: 5.5. Bad feng shui, no patio or open windows.
Soundtrack: CHFI FM 98 c.1996. It was cute when the Phil Collins came on, because I always joke to Pete on roadtrips that I wish we had Phil Collins for the car. But it just didn't stop. It was like the Sirius Satellite Radio Soft Rock Nightmare channel. "Cuts Like a Knife" by Bryan Adams? I had forgotten all about that song, thanks a lot!
Value: Just terrible for what you're being offered. Personal pizzas are $17 on average and super gross.

And now, the menu items...

Spinach, artichoke and goat cheese dip with spelt crisps ($9): Despite Magic Oven advertising their "all natural" ingredients, this tasted inexplicably of chemicals. Sort of like a public pool. Pete started saying, "Well, you know how it is with natural ingredients. When they're not put through any chemical processes, some of their natural chemical tastes are allowed to remain." I was like, "What?" and he was like, "Yeah, that's not right is it..." 

Greek Salad ($8): A disaster. Each limp leaf of romaine was coated in a creamy feta dressing and then even more feta was crumbled on top. There was more wrong with it, but why even bother talking about anything except the creamy, cheesy goo that encapsulated every vegetable. This is when I knew things were only going to get worse, because only an untrained line cook on crystal meth could screw up a greek salad. It was very effective foreshadowing.

Balance Pasta ($19)-- spinach, chicken, asparagus, sun‐dried tomatoes, roasted flax, figs w organic spelt rotini: Figs! That was what was making this pasta so sweet! I couldn't figure out why this nasty ass pasta tasted like a handful of sugar had been added to the mix because I forgot about the figs. I ordered it because it sounded cool in theory, but it was a seriously ill-advised addition to the recipe. Everything tasted like sugar, even the overcooked asparagus. Imagine candied asparagus.

Harmony Magic Pizza ($17)–- olive oil, garlic, prosciutto, hot Italian sausage, caramelized onions, arugula, organic mozzarella and gorgonzola: They build a franchise on this pizza? Crust is dry, hard, too salty. Pizza is greasy, too salty. I winced through the first slice and quit after that. Pete did the same.

It was so bad, in fact, that we had the other half of the pizza wrapped up to go (with a heavy heart, Pete said that he would eat it for lunch tomorrow). About two blocks away from the restaurant on the walk home, Pete decided that carrying it home for lunch was just not worth it and we left the box on the doorstep of another restaurant. I suggested hucking it at the Toronto Sun building and running like hell, but he said no.

Verdict: Stay away. Why listen to me? I am a qualified pizza connoisseur who has worked at esteemed pizza joints throughout the GTA. I also make a pretty good 'za myself. Maybe I'll start an overpriced pizza parlour.

Photo by M.V. Jantzen.